Turning Point - UPDATED

Most days are simply continuations of the day before or a subtle lead in to tomorrow. But some days are turning points. Today is one of those days.

Last night, not long after midnight, I finished edits on my new manuscript. A huge psychic weight lifted off off my shoulders. (As any writer knows, it's the next best thing to writing, "The End!") I played a game of Spider Solitaire in celebration, promised myself a Grand Marnier in the near future, and headed up to bed. At 6AM I got back up. I hadn't slept a wink.

I did, however, feel a cold coming on. At first I thought it was allergies, but instead of subsiding, the sneezes, stuffiness, and itchy eyes progressed. I haven't been sick, even with a slight cold, in almost three years.

2008

1982

The day after I got married, I was struck with a high fever. After all the planning and gown buying and reception-hall-picking and as-close-to-perfect-as-possible-wedding-celebrations were over, my body gave in.

That was a turning point. 

And so is this.

I'm adeptly in tune with my body, as I think many people (read: women) are. The slightest ache or weakness is noted and carefully monitored by my inner doctor. Almost always, the ache or perceived rise in temperature passes, and my inner doctor relaxes and reverts to "on call" status. My body is again giving in, but not due to the beginning of a marriage.

My attorney emailed me this morning asking me to sign a document. I clicked on the page and saw, "Affidavit of Consent."

 The marriage of the Plaintiff and Defendant is irretrievably broken. 

October 2010

I will be signing my name on a divorce decree after 27 years of marriage. 

A turning point like few others.

I know what you're thinking: Get plenty of rest and push the fluids.

That's exactly what I plan to do. And, then I'll hold my head high, put one foot in front of the other, and proudly walk forward into my new unimaginable future. 

Laurie (my sister) & Peter's Wedding. 10.01.11 Centennial, CO

(Special thanks to my family, friends, and Bob Shelton for making that future possible.)

EPIPHANY: In regards to this post, a friend of mine wrote on FB: "I always got sick right after nationals. Means you've done great things, lady." She was a talented swimmer in HS. Interesting viewpoint, given it took me an entire year to complete my novel and am now dealing, in a more serious way, with the end of a LTR. Pushing yourself forward through the eye of a life-changing needle is like giving birth. Right now I'm in psychic labor, and the aches, pains, stuffy head, and sore throat are what I must feel to give birth to a new life...mine.

*I love that I found an art gallery to represent this post. Artistic expression, in all its' facets, is one of the things I'm most committed to at this turning point in my life.

Leave Your Ghosts in the Dust

***This is a post I wrote earlier this year. I felt the need to, once again, let this message fill the sacred space on my blog. I hope these words move and inspire you. I hope they make your burden a little easier to bear.

Along with the fluctuating temperatures and my weight, my moods have been up and down, high and low, euphoric and devastating.

Has my life always been this way and I somehow hadn't noticed? Or, has the emotional roller coaster I've been hanging onto for dear life over the past few years blurred my sense of reality? I'm not sure, but I do know life has been atypically bumpy, and it's making me dizzy.

Lately, I find myself spending an inordinate amount of time questioning the path my life has taken and wondering at what point I will feel whole and complete again. At times, bitterness, anger, and intense sadness cloud my insanely beautiful life. The frustrating part is knowing I have the power to change my thoughts, but not doing it every time the bad ones invade.

This is one of the great mysteries of being human: knowing we have powers, yet not utilizing them to our best ability. Why do we do this? Who knows. Maybe it's too hard to face the possibility of our absolute magnificence.

Thankfully, I'm an optimist at heart, so it doesn't usually take too long to grapple my way out of my self-imposed dungeon. I remember the importance of placing one foot in front of the other, and, by doing that, I realize there are many things to learn from the crescendos and decrescendos of my ever-changing emotions.

For example:

1) Experiencing the ups and downs of life is part of the human condition. It's "normal."

2) Moving forward after a major breakdown can be both euphoric and depressing; often within the same day or even the same hour. Don't just deal with the craziness of your emotions; revel in them. They prove you're alive. Free. Changing. Growing.

3) The people who stand by you during the insanity of a major life change are golden/priceless/irreplaceable/saint-like. Thank them often. Let them know how special they are. Buy them wine and chocolate.

4) It takes time to reprogram your vision of how you believed your life would be. The sooner you're able to leave your ghosts in the dust, the sooner you'll be able to create a richer life with new relationships, goals, and dreams.

5) Be appreciative of every minute of every day. Remember, the stronger the challenge, the stronger you'll be once you get through it.

6) Trust yourself. Love yourself. Be your best friend.

Moving on often entails experiencing excruciating feelings of sadness, abandonment, jealousy, and anger. But dealing with difficult emotions has its rewards, like letting you know how deeply you can feel; how joyously you can dream; how passionately you can love.

Don't let the roller coaster slam you against an emotional wall. Ride it until it slows and gently lets you off in a quieter place; a more peaceful place; a place where you can get your bearings; a place where you can begin, once again, to create something beautiful, lasting, and unimaginable.

Trust yourself. Place one foot in front of the other. Leave your ghosts in the dust.

Have you had a period of emotional turbulence you thought you couldn't get through? If so, how did you overcome it?

Precious New Beginnings

Tonight I'm heading to Denver to meet my new nephew, Nash, and be with his big sister, Devyn and other members of my amazing family. I'll also be seeing great friends, some of whom I haven't seen in many moons. Instead of today being a sad day for me, today is filled with family, love, possibility, and forward movement.

Thanks to all of you who have lifted me up and helped me move through these past fourteen months. Small or big, silent or spoken, I will never stop appreciating your support.