CHANGE OF END DATE FOR QUERY SUBMISSION COMMENTS: Due to a romantic night in Atlantic City tomorrow (dinner, tickets to see the hilarious Lewis Black, and a night at the Marriott) I'm extending the expiration date for comments on my query to Saturday at 5PM. So, you still have time to be included in the random drawing for the AMAZING prizes listed below. OK, the prizes may not be all that amazing, but the feedback I'm getting most definitely is. ETERNAL THANKS TO THOSE WHO'VE COMMENTED SO FAR!!! My query is really starting to rock! (Pun intended.) Stay tuned for the revised query to be posted before the end of the weekend.OK, folks. I'm going to follow in the illustrious and incredibly well-read footsteps of my blogging buddy Anita. I'm going to post my query and let you critique away. Although I've received some wonderful requests for partials, I have no doubt my query could be infinitely better. In order to make it worth your while, (and in honor of my 75th post!) I'm having my very first give-away. From now until 5PM SATURDAY THE 14TH everyone who comments will have an opportunity to be randomly selected by my totally hot and completely impartial (not to be confused with "clueless") husband. If you are the lucky winner, you will have the choice between these two amazing "picture-perfect" themed prizes:
This ever-so-lovely 4"x6" photo album, brand spankin' new, still got the plastic wrap around it, folks. Or... This adorable set of kitty picture holders (Angie - I added these especially for you wink*wink*.)
Now, I will post said query below. Please be gentle but firm (sounds like what I tell my husband, um, never mind...) and most of all BE HONEST!!! I'd love to make this the best damn query this side of the Big Pond (that's the Atlantic, for those of you westerners and/or foreigners who look a bit confused.)
SPARKS FLY SOMETIMES: CONFESSIONS OF A ROCK PRINCESS is the story of a rock princess turned domestic goddess turned rock princess, and is in the genre of women's fiction/humor. Written in a voice similar to that of Chelsea Handler, bestselling author, comedienne, and television show host, the manuscript is complete at 83,000 words. Several requested partial submissions are currently under review.
Jenny Sampson's wild adventures as a rock and roll singer take her back and forth between L.A. and her family's hometown of Denver. It is there that she and her long-haired musician husband, Nate, form a band that rocks its way to the top of the local music scene. Though eager to break out onto the national stage, after years of setbacks and disappointments, financial security wins out over artistic uncertainty, and Jenny and Nate take a very wide turn from music to medicine. As the ever-supportive wife, Jenny incorporates her "BJ's for A's" program, offering sexual favors for every "A" Nate receives. He graduates from college and medical school touting big honors and an even bigger smile.
However, Jenny's experience as a rock princess in the Denver music scene does nothing to prepare her for life as a domestic goddess in the suburbs of Philly. As Jenny and her family settle into a McMansion in the 'burbs, her country-club lifestyle holds many surprises including a beautiful assistant DA interested in a threesome, a wealthy heiress who has great, big, perfectly made-up eyes for Nate, and a handsome, British rock club owner who falls hard for Jenny. These spicy temptations, along with her renewed longing for rock stardom, keep the sparks flying and put Jenny's marriage and desire to follow her dreams to the test.
My life as a professional singer/songwriter/musician and doctor's wife and mother of two are the inspiration behind this novel. My music has been featured on TV, radio, and on Broadjam.com's Top 10 lists internationally, and I write articles as the Philadelphia Songwriter Examiner on Examiner.com. I recently attended the Algonkian Pitch and Shop Conference, an on-line workshop with agent Noah Lukeman, and will be attending the Backspace Writer's Workshop in New York City this May.
I will be happy to send you a partial submission or the full manuscript for SPARKS FLY SOMETIMES: CONFESSIONS OF A ROCK PRINCESS at your request.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Debbie Schubert
(Contact Info)
OK, I've got my boxing gloves on. Give it to me, baby!
Jenny Sampson's wild adventures as a rock and roll singer take her back and forth between L.A. and her family's hometown of Denver. It is there that she and her long-haired musician husband, Nate, form a band that rocks its way to the top of the local music scene. Though eager to break out onto the national stage, after years of setbacks and disappointments, financial security wins out over artistic uncertainty, and Jenny and Nate take a very wide turn from music to medicine. As the ever-supportive wife, Jenny incorporates her "BJ's for A's" program, offering sexual favors for every "A" Nate receives. He graduates from college and medical school touting big honors and an even bigger smile.
However, Jenny's experience as a rock princess in the Denver music scene does nothing to prepare her for life as a domestic goddess in the suburbs of Philly. As Jenny and her family settle into a McMansion in the 'burbs, her country-club lifestyle holds many surprises including a beautiful assistant DA interested in a threesome, a wealthy heiress who has great, big, perfectly made-up eyes for Nate, and a handsome, British rock club owner who falls hard for Jenny. These spicy temptations, along with her renewed longing for rock stardom, keep the sparks flying and put Jenny's marriage and desire to follow her dreams to the test.
My life as a professional singer/songwriter/musician and doctor's wife and mother of two are the inspiration behind this novel. My music has been featured on TV, radio, and on Broadjam.com's Top 10 lists internationally, and I write articles as the Philadelphia Songwriter Examiner on Examiner.com. I recently attended the Algonkian Pitch and Shop Conference, an on-line workshop with agent Noah Lukeman, and will be attending the Backspace Writer's Workshop in New York City this May.
I will be happy to send you a partial submission or the full manuscript for SPARKS FLY SOMETIMES: CONFESSIONS OF A ROCK PRINCESS at your request.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Debbie Schubert
(Contact Info)
OK, I've got my boxing gloves on. Give it to me, baby!
38 comments:
I'm going to leave the critiquing to others since I had a go during our pitch conf. I think it looks great. Two questions:
1-is is trueee that you're supposed to mention that other partials are out on review?
and 2--you're going to BACKSPACES? I was thinking of going myself but for the price tag. but you might tempt me into it.
Sarah, Not sure on the mentioning partials out - I'll be curious to see what folks say. And, yes - probably going to Backspace. It would be fun to have a writer's conf. reunion!!
Debbie:
WORD and WORD. I'm applying to a different program the same weekend as backspace but I'm like 90% sure to be rejected so once that happens I'll see if there are slots left for backspace ;)
OMG...the cat "prizes"!?? I'm not entering the contest, but will email you thoughts on the query. :) (But thanks anyway for think of me.) LOL
I think take out the part about the other agents.
I'd take out the stuff about Chelsea Handler...I don't know her and if I were an agent, I'd rather delete your query than Google Chelsea.
I think take out the "Jenny" part of the turn towards medicine (I know Jenny is in it with him, but at first it confuses me and makes me think Jenny is going to Med school, too).
/musician COMMA doctor's wife and mother of blah blah blah
Awesome...would make me ask for more...the BJ thing gives nice peek into voice, style.
Me again. Crit in email. (I'll take the Pimp Cup if Chuck picks me.) LOL
Angie, Your suggestions are pure genius. Thank you SO much!!!
Anita, Great suggestions. I'll definitely incorporate them. Chelsea Handler currently has two best-selling books out, so I imagine most agents will know who she is. Glad you like the BJ.;-)
I think 'no way' do you mention partials are out - that's like saying you better ask me for it or you might lose me. Different after you've queried and received an offer of representation, then you email the agents with your letter whom you've not heard from at all -- or who have a partial -- and you tell them you've been made an offer to give them the courtesy of time to respond.
I'm curious why you are posting a query for critique that has elicited requests for partials. Obviously it's working. Also - you know me - I wouldn't post a query until a book is sold. For me that's TMI but --- you're a risk taker and an adventurer!! I am totally NOT!
Amy, Great questions. I saw the improvements that were made in Anita's query and thought, "I want some of that!" I feel my query is pretty good, but I'd like it to be great. I'm not worried someone is going to "steal" my query, so why not post it?
I'll post the new and improved version over the weekend. (And, I've mentioned "partials are out" and gotten requests, so the jury's still out on that one...) And, ahem, I'd love your two very expensive cents on how I might improve it, please! (You can e-mail me if you like. Angie did, and she gave me some bangin' ideas!)
Great pitch. I would love to read your book based on this description! Btw, I checked out your music. Wonderful :-)
Cute picture-holders. So that's what they are ;-)?
Pink, I'm glad you like the music. And the pitch. Any suggestions to send it over the moon? (BTW: Don't you have an audition coming up?...)
HI, DEBBIE. I’VE PLACED MY COMMENTS IN THE TEXT AND HAVE ONLY MARKED UP THE PITCH PARTS OF THE QUERY. I DON’T KNOW MUCH ABOUT WHAT KIND OF EXPERIENCE YOU SHOULD WRITE IN THE LAST PARAGRAPH. IT VARIES SO MUCH FROM AGENT TO AGENT. ANOTHER WAY TO HAVE YOUR QUERY CRITIQUED IS TO GO ONTO AGENTQUERY.COM. THERE’S A SECTION THERE WHERE OTHER WRITERS AND AGENTQUERY STAFF MEMBERS WILL CRITIQUE YOUR WORK. I’VE LEARNED A LOT FROM THEM. HOPE ALL OF THIS HELPS. GOOD LUCK AND KEEP WRITING.
SPARKS FLY SOMETIMES: CONFESSIONS OF A ROCK PRINCESS is the story of a rock princess turned domestic goddess turned rock princess (I DIDN’T REALLY GET THIS. I HAD TO READ IT A COUPLE OF TIMES. BESIDES, AFTER READING FURTHER, I THINK THERE’S A LOT MORE TO THE STORY THAN THAT. MAYBE RETHINK WHAT YOU REALLY WANT TO WRITE HERE SO YOU DON’T RISK CONFUSING ANYONE OR ALIENATING THEM. WHAT’S YOUR STORY REALLY ABOUT? THIS DESCRIPTION MAY BE TRUE, BUT I’M SURE THERE’S SOMETHING ELSE YOU COULD SAY THAT WOULD GIVE US A BETTER IDEA OF WHAT TO EXPECT WHEN READING THIS BOOK. THIS MINI-BLURB SHOULD REFLECT WHAT YOU’D TELL AN AGENT IF YOU RAN INTO HIM/HER IN AN ELEVATOR AND ONLY HAD TIME FOR A FEW WORDS. YOU WANT TO LEAVE THE AGENT WANTING MORE, NOT THINKING “SO? READ THAT BEFORE. PASS.” WHAT’S DIFFERENT ABOUT YOU WORK? HOW WILL IT STAND OUT IN A PILE OF MANUSCRIPTS WITH SIMILAR IDEAS? , and is in the genre of women's fiction/humor. Written in a voice similar to that of Chelsea Handler, bestselling author, comedienne, and television show host, the manuscript is complete at 83,000 words. Several requested partial submissions are currently under review.
Jenny Sampson's wild adventures as a rock and roll singer take her back and forth between L.A. and her family's hometown of Denver. It is there that she and her long-haired musician husband, Nate, form a band that rocks its way to the top of the local music scene. Though eager to break out onto the national stage, after years of setbacks and disappointments, financial security wins out over artistic uncertainty, and Jenny and Nate take a very wide turn from music to medicine. As the ever-supportive wife, Jenny incorporates her "BJ's for A's" program, offering sexual favors for every "A" Nate receives. He graduates from college and medical school touting big honors and an even bigger smile. (ALTHOUGH THE “BJ’S FOR A’S” PART MAY INTEREST SOME AGENTS, I DON’T FEEL THE REST OF THE PARAGRAPH IS INTERESTING ENOUGH, NOR IS IT NECESSARY. I FEEL LIKE THIS IS BACK STORY. THINK ABOUT WHAT YOU’D SEE ON THE BACK OF A BOOK THAT WOULD MAKE YOU WANT TO READ IT.)
However, Jenny's experience as a rock princess (YOU COULD POSSIBLY GO INTO MORE DETAILS HERE, SO WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF EXPERIENCE SHE HAS, BUT ONLY WRITE ONE SENTENCE OR LESS FOR THIS OR IT’LL BE TOO MUCH INFO.) in the Denver music scene does nothing to prepare her for life as a domestic goddess in the suburbs of Philly (WHAT DOES THIS REALLY MEAN? WHAT DOES A DOMESTIC GODDESS DO AND HOW COULD SHE HAVE PREPARED HERSELF FOR IT? YOU DON’T NECESSARILY HAVE TO ANSWER THESE QUESTIONS, BUT WE SHOULD HAVE A BETTER UNDERSTANDING WHAT YOU MEAN BY DOMESTIC GODDESS AND HER RESPONSIBILITIES.). As Jenny and her family settle into a McMansion (WHY “MCMANSION”?) in the 'burbs (NOT NECESSARY SINCE YOU ALREADY WROTE SUBURBS OF PHILLY ABOVE. USE AS FEW WORDS AS POSSIBLE. A QUERY IS A TIME TO BE CONCISE.), her country-club lifestyle holds many surprises including a beautiful assistant DA interested in a threesome (NOW, THIS IS INTERESTING.), a wealthy heiress who has great, big, perfectly made-up eyes (I’D LOSE SOME OF THE DESCRIPTION HERE BECAUSE THE GRAMMAR ASPECT OF THE COMMAS ISN’T CORRECT BECAUSE YOU’RE TRYING TO DO TOO MUCH IN ONE SENTENCE. BESIDES, IT DOESN’T MATTER WHAT HER EYES LOOK LIKE, JUST THAT SHE’S AFTER NATE.) for Nate, and a handsome, British rock club owner who falls hard for Jenny. These spicy temptations, along with her renewed longing for rock (DELETE ROCK SINCE YOU’VE USED IT SO MUCH ALREADY. WE KNOW WHAT KIND OF STARDOM SHE SEEKS.) stardom, keep the sparks flying (SPARKS FLYING IS A CLICHÉ. IS THERE A FRESHER WAY YOU CAN SAY THIS?) and put Jenny's marriage and desire to follow her dreams to the test.
LYNNETTE LABELLE
http://lynnettelabelle.blogspot.com
Lynette, Thank you SO much! I agree with everything you said. I'm currently reworking the query and am getting so much more excited about it. I'll post it again with changes over the weekend. I greatly, deeply, and thoroughly (get the picture?) appreciate the advice!
Wait, who is Jenny blowing? Oh, and I want the table the prizes are resting on as my prize.
I would definitely take out the partial being reviewed, because it shows that agents are just hedging with it (with partials) so it'll make the next one do so too. And once someone asks for the full, you can totally use it to your advantage to get the next agent to ask for a full by emailing them back and asking if they were interested in the full since other agents were already reading the full. But wait till they ask to mention it. Otherwise looks great! good luck! Jenni
BBSD, I knew that line would get your attention. Maybe I'll get lucky and find a male agent. (Understand, I'D be the one getting lucky, not HIM!!!) You might not say you want the table if you could see the drawer that caved in on itself.
Giddy, That's two for taking out the partial, so consider it gone. (You were right, Amy!!) Thanks so much for reading and making valuable suggestions. I REALLY appreciate the feedback!
Overall I think it is really good. I would want to read on. I agree with a lot of Lynette's suggestions. I think the main thing is that it is a little wordy. Try to make it concise without taking out the personality. For example: "Jenny Sampson's wild adventures as a rock and roll singer take her back and forth between L.A. and her family's hometown of Denver." That is a long sentence that doesn't say much. Be concise, for example maybe something like: Jenny Sampson's adventures as a rock singer have her constantly en route. It is in Denver, her family's hometown, where her and her musician husband, Nate, form a band that rocks its way to the top of the music scene.
I like the line: "financial security wins out over artistic uncertainty."
Oh, and another thing are there kids? Why does she become a "Domestic Goddess"? If there are no kids wouldn't it make more financial sense for her to work and a dead end job? If there are kids then perhaps you should mention them.
Anyway, good job. Queries are sooooo hard to write. They are my least favorite part. Congrats on the partials and good luck.
Kasie, Love your suggestions. Yes, there are two kids. I added them in (I had "family" but I changed it to domestic goddess/mother of two). I also changed the LA to Denver line. Thanks SO much - I can't tell you how much difference these small yet significant changes make!!! I'll be posting my new and (hopefully) improved version this weekend (going out of town for a brief, romantic getaway tomorrow afternoon - yay!).
Just a quick drive by stab, take what you can. :D
SPARKS FLY SOMETIMES: CONFESSIONS OF A ROCK PRINCESS is (my completed manuscript) delete ->the story) insert (about) a rock princess turned domestic goddess turned rock princess, (this confuses, did you mean to say rock princess twice? ) (–I’d delete this as you’re telling agent in next sentence, kinda redundant) ->and is in the genre of women's fiction/humor. Written in a voice similar to that of (insert author, comedienne, and television talk-show host. Chelsea Handler, (this may insult agent, they’ll know right away who she is if she’s a bestseller : ) -> I’d delete.-> bestselling author, and inset this above ->comedienne, and television show host,) is complete at 83,000 words. (This is not important at this point. : ) ->Several requested partial submissions are currently under review.)
Jenny Sampson's wild adventures as a rock and roll singer take her back and forth between L.A. and her family's hometown of Denver. It is there that she and her (long haired is not really relevant right now, you’ll show this in your ms )long-haired musician husband, Nate, form a band that rocks its way to the top of the local music scene. Though eager to break out onto the national stage, after years of setbacks and disappointments, financial security wins out over artistic uncertainty, and Jenny and Nate take a very wide turn from music to medicine. As the ever-supportive wife, Jenny incorporates her "BJ's for A's" program, offering sexual favors for every "A" Nate receives. He graduates from college and medical school touting big honors and an even bigger smile.
However, Jenny's experience as a rock princess in the Denver music scene does nothing to prepare her for life as a domestic goddess in the suburbs of Philly. As Jenny and her family settle into a McMansion in the 'burbs, her country-club lifestyle holds many surprises including a beautiful assistant DA interested in a threesome, a wealthy heiress who has great, big, perfectly made-up eyes for Nate, and a handsome, British rock club owner who falls hard for Jenny. These spicy temptations, along with her renewed longing for rock stardom, keep the sparks flying and put Jenny's marriage and desire to follow her dreams to the test.
(nice bio and since it’s relative to your ms it can be an advantage... normally you wouldn't include this much) My life as a professional singer/songwriter/musician and doctor's wife and mother of two are the inspiration behind this novel. My music has been featured on TV, radio, and on Broadjam.com's Top 10 lists internationally, and I write articles as the Philadelphia Songwriter Examiner on Examiner.com. (I’d take this out, agents won’t care->I recently attended the Algonkian Pitch and Shop Conference, an on-line workshop with agent Noah Lukeman, and will be attending the Backspace Writer's Workshop in New York City this May).
I will be happy to send you a partial submission or the full manuscript for SPARKS FLY SOMETIMES: CONFESSIONS OF A ROCK PRINCESS at your request.
Thank you so much for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Dear Whathisherface,
SPARKS FLY SOMETIMES: CONFESSIONS OF A ROCK PRINCESS is my manuscript about a rock princess turned domestic goddess. It’s written in a voice similar to that of author, comedienne, and television talk-show host. Chelsea Handler and is completed at 83,000 words.
Jenny Sampson's wild adventures as a rock and roll singer take her back and forth between L.A. and her family's hometown of Denver. It is there that she and her musician husband, Nate, form a band that rocks its way to the top of the local music scene. Though eager to break out onto the national stage, after years of setbacks and disappointments, financial security wins out over artistic uncertainty, and Jenny and Nate take a very wide turn from music to medicine. As the ever-supportive wife, Jenny incorporates her "BJ's for A's" program, offering sexual favors for every "A" Nate receives. He graduates from college and medical school touting big honors and an even bigger smile. (love this ----this is the hook, I feel…)
However, Jenny's experience as a rock princess in the Denver music scene does nothing to prepare her for life as a domestic goddess in the suburbs of Philly. As Jenny and her family settle into a McMansion in the 'burbs, her country-club lifestyle holds many surprises including a beautiful assistant DA interested in a threesome, a wealthy heiress who has great, big, perfectly made-up eyes for Nate, and a handsome, British rock club owner who falls hard for Jenny. These spicy temptations, along with her renewed longing for rock stardom, keep the sparks flying and put Jenny's marriage and desire to follow her dreams to the test.
My life as a professional singer/songwriter/musician and doctor's wife and mother of two are the inspiration behind this novel. My music has been featured on TV, radio, and on Broadjam.com's Top 10 lists internationally, and I write articles as the Philadelphia Songwriter Examiner on Examiner.com.
I will be happy to send you a partial submission or the full manuscript for SPARKS FLY SOMETIMES: CONFESSIONS OF A ROCK PRINCESS at your request.
Thank you for your time and consideration.
Sincerely,
Debra, I'm a technical writer/editor and a terrible pain in the ass.
"My life as a professional singer/songwriter/musician and doctor's wife and mother of two IS, not "are" ("your life" is singular)the inspiration behind this novel. My music has been featured on TV, radio, and on Broadjam.com's Top 10 lists internationally, (I'm not sure you need this since you really want to establish yourself as a writer, not a musician) and I write articles as the Philadelphia Songwriter Examiner on Examiner.com. (This almost seems like an afterthought in this sentence, but it's more important) I recently attended the Algonkian Pitch and Shop Conference, an on-line workshop with agent Noah Lukeman, and will be attending the Backspace Writer's Workshop in New York City this May."
Just a thought--do you want to mention that you've been building an international audience through your blog? Just thinking it shows you're establishing your author's platform. I don't write fiction, so maybe it doesn't matter as much, but I think in this context it's probably more important than the music experience.
I told you I'm a pain.
P.S. "Doctor's wife"--you are Jewish!
XOXO
P.S. I forgot to say, it really is a great query--no wonder you're getting requests for partials. I'm just a nightmare.
Kimmi, How can I thank you for all your great advice? I'm truly blown away by your thoughtfulness and attention to detail. Again, look for the revised version in a couple of days. THANKS!!!!;-)
Linda, Great comments. I'll incorporate accordingly. Thanks so much for taking the time to really read through it. I can't wait to go to Vegas one of these days and party with you!!! (Love the doctor's wife comment - too funny!!!)
Hello everyone, clueless husband here. Just want you all to know that I can and will accept BRIBES of any kind to "increase" your chances of winning these marvelous prizes. So, pretend like I'm Rod Blagojevich and find out what my price is.....
As a neighbor of yours, north of Philadelphia in New Hope, PA, I thought I'd comment, too.
I like it. I know who Chelsea Handler is and I like that part. I like the whole thing and I'd ask for pages.
Ryan, Thanks for stopping by. I love New Hope! What a great place to live. We stayed at an awesome B&B there - it's got a small farm and goats and is run by two amazing guys. I can't remember the name of it...
Thanks for your comments. I hope you'll check back on Sat. or Sun. when I post the updated version. (You're the first to know: I've already sent it out to a few agents!)
Dear Mr. Chuck:
I have access to vast quantities of grits, pralines, the best coffee bar none, crawfish (although they might be hard to mail), Tabasco and Mardi Gras beads. I know...not as exciting as your wife's former bribe "item," but there ya have it. :)
Okay, I'm distracted since I'm still here in Texas and not in my own space - but just on first quick read - I'd take out about the partials, and I'm not sure about the Chelsea Handler thing -- I bumped on that because I still wasn't sure who she was, etc...it's okay to point out some kind of "comparison" to another writer or whatever - like "readers who love so and so will love PRINCESS" but again, not sure about Chelsea Handler? Hmm, on the fence on that one...
I would make it more succinct, too, shorter - take those three paragraphs and pull out the most exciting, sexy parts and use them and take out everything else -- your synopsis can be longer and a little more detailed, but make the letter SHORT AND TO THE POINT: again: think Sexy/Dynamic/Exciting--think "Movie Trailer" kind of?...think back of book jacket short. Yup, it sucks and it's hard and it feels as if you are leaving out a lot, but, you want to grab their attention fast and hold onto them. You can include a synopsis that will go into greater detail: if they ask for a query letter only, then I'd still go for the short succinct POWERFUL PUNCH letter...
Just as as example, I became distracted as I read -too much detail - and you don't want that! You want someone to read it, get the power pack gist of it , and then want to know more!
I know this isn't too much of a help, as I'm still at my brothers and there's distractiosn like loud TV and phone ringing and ....ergh...
Debra, I know "The Cuttalosa Inn" is a B&B and has a small farm. Maybe that's the one?
I'll check back on Sunday.
Kat, Got it. Shorter. Sexier. To the point. Sold! ;-)
Ryan, That name doesn't ring a bell - something Farm? It was right along the main road as you're heading into town (from the west). I don't know if this helps any...
Hi Debra,
I've come up for air and stopped by your site a couple of times. I read your query. Your novel is very original and I predict salable. An agent will definitely recognize this and snap it up in a heartbeat. The first line or impression is everything in life: Dating, job interviews, meeting the inlaws/outlaws, making up after an argument etc. Based on this, what is the most provocative line in your novel? Find it. Write it before anything else.
Dear Mr./Ms. Blah Blah followed by this one attention grabbing line that will set the tone for the entire query and ultimately what will make the letter write itself. This works. Everytime. What you are really doing is allowing your principal character to do the selling for you. Relax and have fun with it. I've got a marketing background, so I naturally see everything in terms of advertising. My bad. ;) I've sold everything from clams and blueberries on the side of the road when I was six, to groceries, clothing and games of blackjack. It's easier than you think and once you have their defenses down with a shocker of a line, as they say in sales, you own the customer, client, literary agent, editor, reader. They are all the same. Sales for a book, in the minor opinion of this peasant, begins with YOU selling to THEM.
You've got a kickass sense of humour and that goes a long way to cajoling anyone over to your side of the road and you should utilize this more. Play with the language like you do with the phrasing of a song. By the way,I admire you for asking for input and feedback. It's never wrong to take in all the information you can when you are attempting something important to you. Strong, smart people do this and it's the hallmark of any successful write. Take the good, trash the bad you will have what you need.
:)
Put an 'r' on write and you will have the word I meant to type before my brief affair with the backspace button. :0
Dear Miss Angie-
I LOVE TABASCO!! Actually I love all the bribe items you listed! Unfortunately, my dear wife has informed me that bribes aren't allowed. She loves all of you author-types equally, and I have to be "impartial." Damn!
Val, OMG - will you read my entire ms and write my query for me by Monday? Everything you said makes a ridiculous amount of sense. I'm flipping through the rolodex in my brain trying to come up with the most provocative line in the book. "Play with the language like you do with the phrasing of a song." B-fucking-rilliant. You're a genius. Oh, and thanks...;-)
So, folks, the geek in me won out. I went on to Random.org (a site where you can generate random numbers, etc)and made a list of all of you who contributed to Deb's query. The 14 names were listed and then randomized.
So (drum roll....), the person who came up number one on the list and winner of the amazing prize is......JENNI.
Congrats Jenni! Please contact my lovely wife and let her know which prize you want and provide her with your address.
Next time, I will only be the "judge" if I am allowed to pick based on how juicy the bribes are. Much more exciting way to run a contest. Thanks for playing(and contributing) everyone!!
YAY! I WONNNN! LOL! I don't think I contributed much, especially compared to everyone else! WOW! After much consideration.... and mental debate... I have chosen, the kitties! The best thing is, even though I live in England, I have a US military address. So it costs the same as shipping it to new york, you just have to fill out a customs form. I'll email it to you in just a second. Jenni
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