Yesterday, Ethan pulled out of the driveway and into a new life. His car was jam-packed with electric and acoustic guitars, clothing, cleaning supplies, new bedding, lamps, toiletries, and two TV sets (a big one for the living room and a small one for his bedroom). A brownie pan with the remains of a cake I baked for him perched precariously on the passenger seat. His destination? College at Penn State in Altoona, PA, about a 3.5 hour drive away.
Kurt Cobain's lyrics from, "All Apologies" is on a continuous tape-loop in my mind: All alone is all we are. I've never lived alone before. Ever. I'm on Page One of an entirely new chapter in my life.
While saying goodbye, cruel tears stung my eyes. I felt short of breath and felt a strange emptiness in the pit of my stomac
h.He's my baby, the youngest of two boys, and the first to "go way to college." He's also my rock; the person I've relied on most over these last four, painful months.
I feel like a part of me is gone; cut off, never to be found again. I know he'll thrive and become enriched by the educational and social experiences that await, and this fills me with joy and a special pride only a mom can feel. But, there's also an indescribable sadness - similar to when he first went to kindergarten - but deeper; so much deeper.
I love you, Ethan, with all my heart. I wish you great success as you move forward in pursuit of your dreams. Have fun, learn, build new friendships, and take advantage of the many opportunities you'll encounter. (And of course, always be careful!) Thank you for all you've given me. There is no way I can ever repay you.
And, to Chuck: thanks for being my partner in raising our two amazing kids. In a million ways, I could never have done it without you.
IN OTHER NEWS...
Ever wonder when and why you should utilize the services of an editor? The brilliant and beautiful Gretchen Stelter of Cogitate Studios will be sharing her expertise on this very subject on Monday's post. Be sure to check it out. Not only will you not be disappointed (love those double negatives!), but I promise you'll be positively blown away!
Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go have a good cry...
28 comments:
Awww. Very hard to be a mother because of all the tears shed throughout life. Both good ones and bad.
Your Ethan sounds awesome! Be proud that you did a wonderful job raising him. :)
I'm thinking of you and wishing Ethan much fun, excitement, and (heaps of) safety in his journey, and to you I say this, you are doing great.
Our society frowns on living/being alone and I've struggled with it over the years, but I have turned the corner and realized that for everything there is an upside. The upside to living alone is the truest opportunity to know yourself, to hear your own voice in not just one note but an entire symphony, and to find a level of acceptance of self that creates a kind of peace that lasts.
And remember: living alone is not being alone. The people who love you are only a phone call away.
Love you.
Sorry you're feeling sad--I'm so not looking forward to that day with my daughters.
You did a great job with him.
I am fighting the tears after reading this. I can't imagine the day my children move away without my heart breaking and reading your account of Ethan going off to college feels very real to me. I wish I could give you a hug, one mommy to another.
Marisa, Being a mom is magnificent, frightening, sad, and satisfying. I don't call it a "job" because it's a complete act of love. And, thanks, Ethan is truly awesome. ;-)
Julie, I will never be alone with you in my world.
Wendy, Thanks. You're an incredible mom and it shows in your beautiful, brilliant, talented, and interesting girls. I'm sending you a virtual pat on the back. ;-)
Denice, Didn't mean to make you cry! And, thanks. I "feel" your hug and it means a lot. ;-))
Karen, You're right about the crying, and I've done far more than my share over the last few years. I also know life is exactly where it needs to be, and I believe it's about to get a whole lot better. ;-)
Sending lots of warm hugs your way.
I know that 3.5 hours seems so far away. It isn't so far that he can't come home on the weekend if he doesn't have too much going on OR if he really needs some alone time and he can't get it there. Sometimes college can be too distracting for studies. Especially freshman year. Plus he always only a phone call away. I know that all of that seems really lame when he's gone, but he sounds like such a great kid. I know that your relationship will thrive even under these circumstances!
B3, Tx. Hugs to you. ;-))
Robin, Thanks for your kind words - I really appreciate your support. You're right, we'll always be close. It's just such an "end of an era" type moment in my life.
You should be so proud - he's such a capable young man - and things like that don't just happen.
I hope he's alone when he checks out this post, cause he might feel a little teary eyed himself!
There is no way that I won't be crying in 11 years when I'm your shoes... that said, I hope & pary that I can be as proud of my son as you are. All the work & worry you've put into that boy has paid off. Trust him to find his way, and trust yourself that you did a great job! When he comes home for the holiday, enjoy every minute you spend with him! He will love catching you up on his life. It's a big, big moment. Have your cry, but rejoice! You are an awesome mom!
Ohhh goodness ... I've been away from the blog world for a few weeks, and missed out on all you've been through. My goodness, I'm so sorry to hear about these tough last few months. What a proud mama you must be though ... your son sounds just wonderful. I can only imagine how much you will miss him. I can tell you've done a fantastic job raising him.
Thank you, Deb. He is such a great kid and will give so much to this world.
Jemi, You're so sweet - he is amazing, and I hope I don't make him cry. Okay, maybe I do... ;-)
Heidi, Thank you so much for your thoughtful comment. I love what you said about him coming home and spending time with me. I'm greatly looking forward to that! ;-)
Kelly, Thanks for coming back by. Yes, it's been a long, strange trip lately, but it is what it is. All I can do is keep moving forward and love the people in my life with all my heart.
Chuck, Yes, he is and he will.
Oh .....I feel for you my friend. I am not looking forward I say goodbye to my daughter....I am already crying just thinking about it.
xoxox
Moms always get the short end of the stick, don't they? :( But your little Boo will fly high and well with the wings you gave him. And he'll never forget where "home" is.
Come take a whirl at my snarky editor contest if you get out of the doldrums, ya hear? Hugs
*HUGS* You're not completely alone. And hey, if you want to travel up north a bit, you have another place to stay here where you really won't be alone. :) Though I only have one feline captor, so it probably won't seem very populated. ;)
On being alone: A symphony often begins with the quiet notes of one.
Awww. This is the second post I've read this morning about sons leaving for college. It IS an emotional time, but try not to fret too much. I've survived it twice (with both daughter and son), and things do get better. :)
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