I realize many of you didn't think I'd survive the Month of Living Deliberately, but I'm happy to report, I did. [Many? Hah! Try all.] Don't get me wrong, it wasn't easy, and I would recommend it ONLY to my worst enemies, [falsely insinuates you have friends] but I'm glad I did it. You know why? [No one cares.] Because I learned a few things:
1) I can control my addictions when I set my mind to it. [You put chocolate powder in your chai tea. Every. Single. Time.]
2) Just because you stop eating sweets doesn't mean you lose weight. [Damn straight. I've seen you naked in the mirror. ACK!]
3) Life is much better with chocolate and new shoes. [Seriously? YOU'RE BLOWING MY EFFING MIND! Now, I suppose you're going to to tell me the Pope is Catholic and Ann Coulter is a bitch.]
Granted, I knew #3 before I began my masochistic, 30-day journey, and I'm bordering on suicidal by #2. But learning #1 was worth the painful effort. [Nothing in this world is worth giving chocolate and shopping up for. Even newborn babies and turtles know that.]
Now that that nonsense is over with, I can, once again, get on with my life. [Yawn.] This means: finishing my current novel, becoming certified as a domestic violence counselor, working out, drinking enough soy-no-water-chai tea lattes (with two pumps of pumpkin) to get me into the Guinness Book of World Records, snuggling with my honey, and playing with my cats - sometimes, I'll admit - in my underwear. [Ew. TMI.] There is also the occasional guitar playing, Twitter and FB chats, and dancing in my living room to The Cure and Led Zeppelin when no one is watching, [Oh, so I'm "no one" now?]
Fascinating, right? [Is that a joke? Because, if it's not, the answer is Hell, No!]
Maybe not. However, the news I'm about to impart upon you is doggone captivating. [Only idiots use the words, "impart" and "doggone," especially in the same sentence.]
Wait for it....
[Too late. You've put everyone to sleep.]
I SURVIVED AN ENTIRE MONTH WITHOUT EATING CHOCOLATE!!!
[Jesus, Mary, and Joseph, you're like a Chinese dinner that keeps repeating itself.]
I realize I've already stated that bordering-on-unbelievable fact, but it's so patently phenomenal I felt the need to repeat it yet again. No need to thank me but, if you must, you're welcome. [It's official. You're an idiot.]
And on that spellbinding note, I will eat a small, yet intensely satisfying Butterfinger and play with my cats (most likely, in my underwear).
[Ew. TMI. Wait, did she say, "a" Butterfinger, as in "one?" Yeah, right. And Rush Limbaugh is a skinny, drug-free, Rhodes Scholar.]
[Ew. TMI. Wait, did she say, "a" Butterfinger, as in "one?" Yeah, right. And Rush Limbaugh is a skinny, drug-free, Rhodes Scholar.]
So tell me, my friends. Have you ever accomplished something you didn't think you could? I realize whatever it is couldn't in any way, shape, or form compare to my enormous feat, but I'd love to hear about it anyway.
[Anything, including staring at the wall or snoring, or even staring at the wall while snoring, would be infinitely more interesting than your "enormous feat." Hell, even your enormous feet would be more interesting than your enormous feat. BWAHAHAHAHA!!! Enormous feet! I made a joke! I'm hilarious!]
[Wrong. And, by the way, only idiots use the words, "such the" and "jokester," especially in the same sentence. Oh, and one more thing... wait for it... BITE ME, BEYOTCH!]
