Securing an Agent is Child's Play...NOT!

Great news for us mystery/thriller/suspense writers over at the wonderful blog, Pimp My Novel.

I have many wonderful attributes (must you look so confused?), but the big ones I'm missing are PATIENCE and NOT BEING IN CONTROL. I blame both of these glaring defects on my Brooklyn-born DNA. Tests show it's physically impossible to be born in Brooklyn and be a patient person who doesn't care about being in control. Freaks like that simply don't exist. Or they do, but they're immediately banned to Staten Island.

So, what do I do? I choose a career path that is wholly based on patience and my having absolutely no control over anything. Pure genius.

I'm finding the whole "getting an agent" game to be eerily similar to what my mom used to tell me in college, I mean, middle school. "Chase the boys until they catch you!" I'm doing the chasing now in hopes that some brilliant, talented, visionary agent will catch me! My mom also said once they "catch" you, you need to play "hard to get." Really? What should I say when I get that call?

Hi, Dream Agent. Why don't you have your girl call my girl?

or...

Leave it after the beep. I'm lunching with my therapist.

or...

I'll think about it and get back to you during the next Perseid Meteor Shower.

or...

Tag! You're it! Then hang up the phone.

Also, there are like a gazillion more writers than agents, so securing said visionary agent is like playing a gigantic game of Musical Chairs. Every time the music stops, which is pretty much continuously, some poor sod of a writer gets kicked out of the game. And, I've been told, agents giggle. Some even clap. Harsh, wouldn't you say?

So, here I wait. Patiently. Having no control whatsoever over the situation, other than writing and querying and silently selling my soul to the publishing gods for a buck forty nine.

Of course, my beloved blog and Twitter make the days go by faster and keep my mind off the cruel game these dastardly agents play. But, really, how much peeking in on Ashton Kutcher or tweeting about my angst and desires can a girl do in one day before she gets bored out of her mind and wants to hang herself from the nearest DSW shoe store? (I mean, if you're going to go, you may as well go in a new pair of Manolos, right?)

And, I'm working on my new WIP, MURDER ON SONGBIRD LANE and having more fun than a gal alone in her bedroom with six cats should have. But still...

What about you? How do you bide your time while waiting for THE CALL? Or, for those of you who've received THE CALL and are waiting to hear about your submissions, how do you distract your overactive minds???

Kicking and Screaming Into Heaven

Now that you've helped me get past my insecurities, I'm back on track. Thanks for all the great advice, and for putting up with my glaringly obnoxious bout of self-pity. As Chelsea Handler would say, "WHAT... a jack-ass!"

I'm now less than 250 words away from my first big mile marker on MURDER ON SONGBIRD LANE (MSL). I'm nearing 10,000 words, which means I'm about 1/8 of the way done with the new book. And, if I do say so myself, it's getting exciting! Well, as long as your not the doctor's wife who doesn't make it past Chapter Three...

The first in the series, MURDER ON TWILIGHT CIRCLE (MTC), was set in an upscale suburb of Philly. MSL is set in a beach town in southeastern Connecticut. Each place lends itself to a different kind of story. It's fascinating to see how a place becomes another character.

I love the smart-ass back-and-forth dialogue between the two main characters, Jenny Sampson, the lay person who ends up in the wrong place at the wrong time when her doctor's wife friends bite the big one (she happens to be a doctor's wife too, so she'd better beware!), and Bree Lang, the stunning, red-headed, bisexual, beauty-pageant winning Assistant District Attorney who insists on dragging Jenny in on the investigations.

Jenny and Bree come from strikingly different backgrounds, which probably explains why they get along. Like they say, 'opposites attract.' Jenny grew up in a lower middle class, Jewish, Long Island family and is a married mom of two teenage boys. Bree was raised in a wealthy WASP Main Line Philadelphia clan and lives with her girlfriend, art gallery owner Lisa Ling. "Ling and Lang," Jenny says. "No wonder you two get along so well!"

When Jenny was young, her parents took her to public beaches like Point Lookout and Jones Beach. Bree's family, on the other more well-manicured hand, summered in the Hamptons. Jenny makes sure to point out that, although Bree comes from money, Jenny is royalty. She's a Jewish American Princess.

I'll keep you posted on my progress on MURDER ON SONGBIRD LANE. Thanks again, for your help in getting me out of my funk.

IN OTHER (RELATED) NEWS:
I've finally embraced Twitter! Once again, like the groom in the picture above, I found myself kicking and screaming my way into heaven. This has happened several times in my life, namely when I did The Landmark Forum - a transformational weekend I experienced back in 1992. (Maybe I'll do a post on it sometime...)

I'm finding Twitter to be fun, interesting, and informative. I'm following and am being followed by brilliant writers like Kristina Riggle (real life & liars), Allison Wynn Scotch (time of my life), and Barbara Delinsky (where do I begin to list the bestsellers???). How amazing is that? It's kind of like I imagine chatting with Stevie Nicks would be - totally freaking awesome.

It's interesting to see how some agents, I won't name names, think they're "above" speaking to unpublished writers. Then again, there are the super awesome ones like rock star, Janet Reid, who treat people with respect and answer your messages directly. (I've got two rock stars in this post, Stevie and Janet!)

If you haven't joined Twitter, give it a try. You just might find yourself kicking and screaming into heaven...

I'll Send an SOS to the World...

Is it just me, or does this picture look suspiciously like a phallic symbol?

It's amazing how starting a new book sets off the doubting Thomasinas in my mind. How do I do this? What makes me think I can do this? How can this book possibly be as good as the last? Will I ever get to 80,000 words? What the hell was I thinking????

For the most part, I'm an upbeat, confident, optimistic person. But every now and then, I feel like I did in high school... Does anybody like me? Am I popular? Will I succeed in life? Am I like a totally lame dweeb, dude? Will I have a date for Friday night? Where the hell did I leave my stash?

Part of my self-doubt has to do with the carnival query ride I'm on. I've had 6 partial requests, 3 full requests, and 14 passes on MURDER ON TWILIGHT CIRCLE, so every few days I'm either up or down on that fun-filled roller coaster ride. Plus, I'm completely impatient and a bit of a control freak (okay, a TOTAL control freak), and those traits don't bode well in the publishing biz, no they don't bode well at all.

Judging from past experience, the further I get into the book, the more my confidence will rise. I just finished the third chapter, and am about 7,000 words in. Once I figure out how the victim got whacked and who did it, I'll be fine. I know who she is, I'm just not sure who'd want to kill her or why. I mean I have some ideas, but I'm not quite there yet. After all, she's a perfectly lovely lady, drop-dead gorgeous (bad pun, I know), plays tennis, watches her neighbor's kids, gets regular facials at the spa. What's not to like? Until I figure out the mystery, be glad you're not my husband, kids, or kitties, because I'll be like a totally neurotic mess, dude!

Of course, once the WORLD'S HOTTEST LITERARY AGENT who's meant to represent me finally stops playing hard to get and shows him/herself, then all will be well in my world.

That is, until I start the next book...

So, I'm sending out an SOS to the world. Is this the same for any of you? Words of wisdom? Specific names of bridges to jump off of? Poison to drink? Chocolate to eat? New shoes to buy? Should I call The Police and ask their advice? I'm sure Sting could stop riding his horse on his huge-ass English estate for like five minutes to give me some words of wisdom. I mean, it wouldn't kill him or anything. (Why does everything in my life lately revolve around killing and murder?)

Anyway, you get the picture. I NEED HELP!!!!

The Doctor Is In! Or, Five Things to Tickle Your...

Is it just me, or are people awfully cranky lately? I'm sensing a need for a little therapeutic humor, so... THE DOCTOR IS IN! Dr. Debbie, at your service! (FYI, of course, that's me in the picture. Who the hell else did you think it was, some random gorgeous model?)

Okay, here are five things to tickle your bone. I mean, your funny bone. Let's start with a true story:

1) While driving today with my son, Adam, he asked how we used to travel in the olden days - you know, before there was GPS. I told him we used a thing called a "map." I even took one out and showed it to him.

Me: "Look, Adam. Here's Pennsylvania. And over here, that's New York."

Bear in mind, he's 20.

Adam: "I can't imagine going on a road trip using only a map. That's insane!"

Um, yeah. We were a bunch of crazy lunatics driving around the freeways willy-nilly, crashing into each other, fender benders, head-ons, going south in the northbound lanes, you name it, we did it. How we ever got from Point A to Point B using only pictures in a big, unwieldy book in nothing short of a miracle. "Where the hell is GPS?!" we subliminally screamed in perfect unison. INSANITY I TELL YOU, INSANITY!

2) Anything on Funny or Die, but here's my current favorite: Bush's Letter to Obama.

3) Margaret and Helen - Two elderly women with wicked political wit and wisdom. They've had over two million hits. You read that right, TWO MILLION!!!

4) My husband and I are getting a little too into Bill Hader's imitation of Keith Morrison of Dateline NBC Fame. Oooohhhh!

5) And, of course, one of the funniest SNL clips of all time. Hint: It's something in a box...!

Check these funny things out, and then come back and tell me I put a smile on your face. I admit it, I need the reinforcement. It's not my fault, I'm the firstborn of four girls.

Laugh, people, it's good for the soul. It's also the best medicine. And, I'm pretty sure it's a universal language. ;-)

Baby Bump Alert! (Bet You Didn't Even Know I Was Pregnant!)

MURDER ON SONGBIRD LANE is starting to kick. Small, barely noticeable tingles that feel like butterfly wings fluttering against my skin. 2,000 words in, I feel lost, unsure, incapable, and incredibly excited. This is a miracle - creation at its base level emerging into the physical world.

I said to my husband last night, "I'm in labor, honey, and it's going to be a long, drawn out delivery. Bet you didn't even know I was pregnant!" He laughed. He's used to living with a writer. "Yup," he said, "I'll support you however I can. I'll even cut the cord when it's time."

Ah, yes, cutting the cord. I just did that with MURDER ON TWILIGHT CIRCLE. It wasn't easy and it wasn't pretty. I didn't want to let go of my beautiful new baby, but, alas, it was time. I've sent it on its way, watching as it spreads its wings and makes its mark in the world (five partials and one full, so far - not bad for a newborn!).

So, to all you writers who are in the long, sometimes painful, and often thrilling birthing process, may you have the strength, endurance, and deep love to bring that baby to life.

And, you thought men couldn't give birth?

*This post was inspired by my beautiful sister, Michelle, who is weeks away from giving birth to her first baby (how cute is she?!), and by Sara Megibow at Nelson Literary Agency. You simply must read this post!

And, yup, the fat, little, nugget above is me!

May Every Single One of Your Sweet Dreams Come True

How many times has the artistic side of you rumbled with the logical side? Who usually wins out? For many years, I struggled with this, and often times the logical side won out. Why? Because it's easier, more logical, more socially acceptable. But the real story lies deeper still, for living a life of authenticity and intention is not a matter of right vs wrong or good vs evil - it's a matter of life vs mere survival.

So, what's a poor artist to do? It has taken me years to perceive not only in my head, but in my heart, that living anything other than an authentic life is meaningless, useless, petty, and perfectly uninspiring. For me, an inauthentic, unintentional life equals mere survival - not a particularly tasty choice. Instead, the life I choose involves a breathtaking explosion of creativity, self-expression, intentionality, and vulnerability.

Vulnerability, you ask? Why? Because we artists who tirelessly listen for the voices in the wind that rap upon our doors, and express those voices as genuinely, deeply, and beautifully as possible, expose ourselves. And exposure equals vulnerability. If you're clear about your personal vision, harsh words or form rejections mean nothing. If you're not, or feel the art is you, rather than is a part of you, you may fall prey to the critical words of others. If you allow it, words can slice you like a knife, cutting so deeply that you become paralyzed. But only if you allow it! Realizing you have the power to determine your success or failure gives you infinite freedom and ultimate success.

The greatest gift we artists can give ourselves and each other is permission to explore our talents fully, authentically, and intentionally, and to applaud and support each other in this ever-evolving endeavor.

So, to all my artsy friends out there - may your expressions be real, may your inspiration be bountiful, and may every single one of your sweet dreams come true.

Namaste! (I bow to you.)

Ding Dong the Witch is Dead! Which Old Witch? The Palin Witch!

Well, well, well. My dearest friend, Sarah Palin, who's a legend in her own mind, has stepped down from her high perch as Governor of the Great State of Alaska. Thank God she'll still be able to see Russia from her house! I'm sure that's a relief to the Soviets, and to the national security of our country.

According to Norah O'Donnell of MSNBC news, she used her Twitter account to let more than 100,000 of her favorite folks know she'll be taking a road trip with a camper full of kids and coffee. Wink, wink, you betcha! Man, that's interesting news.

Why did she leave? You ask. How will Alaska survive? These are VERY good questions, and ones I feel more than qualified to answer.

1) Why did she leave? DUH! That's a no-brainer. She left because she's got ethics investigations hanging over her head and big media was out to get her! And, oh yeah, there's that little six-figure book deal (damn her!) and high-dollar speaking engagement offers looming in the distance. And, anyway, being elected to run a state's no big deal. Heck, there's somewhere in the neighborhood of 50 of 'em in this country alone! After all, she finished over half of her term. That's pretty good, right? You betcha! Plus, she's a certifiable MAVERICK so golly gee willikers she'll get by just fine out there in her gas-guzzling RV.

2) How will Alaska survive? That's tougher. I mean easier. They probably won't notice a thing, except for the attention on their state, once again, disappearing. into thin air. (Alaska? Where's that? Somewhere in Africa? Exactly!)

So, to all you hockey moms and Joe Six Packs and Joe the Plumbers out there - no tears for you! Uh, uh. You're tough, you've got guns, you can handle it. Plus there's always Ann "Big Neck" Coulter and Rush "I'm a Drug-Addicted, Big Fat Asshole" Limbaugh to worship. Those two geniuses will catapult us into the 21st century with their wit, wisdom, and bonafide bigotry. Einstein and da Vinci ain't got nothing on them! Only problem is, if they decide to make alien babies together, then the galaxies will be destroyed and none of this patter will matter. (My poetic talent knows no bounds.)

To Sarah Palin I say, may all God's creature go scurrying for cover when they see your family's guns pointed in their direction, may your family cease from procreating, may you enjoy your bear skin rug, and if you wink at me one more time, I'm going to shove one of your rifles straight up your ass.

And, although I'm not the religious type, I've got a prayer to mark the auspicious occasion of this fearless leader's departure:

Dear God,

May this be the last we see of this beauty pageant freak. Keep her hidden from the world so she no longer makes us Americans look like the biggest bunch of jackasses on Earth. And, please, oh please, save her from evil witchcraft! SCARY!!!

And while I've got your ear, a gentle reminder - remember that two-door, baby blue Mercedes we discussed? I'm ready whenever you are. Amen.

I couldn't end what I hope will be my last post on the illustrious ex-Governor of the Great State of Alaska without including my all-time favorite Palin-inspired cartoon. Once again, enjoy!

All Business Up Front, Party in the Back!

Just to clarify, this picture is of my brother-in-law, so there's no shared DNA. I've got seven bro-in-laws, so I won't say which one. Hint: His initials are "DS" just like mine!

In this amazing picture of himself, he added the gorgeous locks in back through the magic of yearbookyourself.com and titled the pic, "All Business Up Front, Party in the Back!" then had the nerve, I mean brilliant insight, to post it on his FaceBook page. Like I said, no shared DNA...

I cracked up big time when I saw it, and it got me thinking. What is it we show the world "up front" and what do we hide in "the back." Now, don't go getting all obscene on me. I mean this as a deep, philosophical question - a sort of existential glimpse into the psyche of the human mind. (OMG - did you read that last sentence? Hilarious!)

Here are a few of my "up fronts" vs "in the backs". Don't worry, only one of them is "real." Okay, maybe two.

1) I know, I totally agree. Ann Coulter's a goddess! vs. What? You like Ann Coulter? Are you insane? She's the anitchrist, you nasty, bigoted, right-wing Republican SOB!

2) That's fascinating! vs. If you don't stop opening your mouth and having sound come out NOW, one of us is going to die.

3) What? Dream Agent SoAndSo asked you for a full? Awesome! vs. If you get an agent before I do, I'll sic my cat on your dog and swallow all the Lunesta in my bottle in one, big gulp.

4) Thanks, for tucking my tag in in the back. Damn tags! vs. If you touch me again, I'm calling the cops.

5) OMG - Your hair looks amazing! vs. Holy Mary, Mother of God, have you LOOKED in the mirror?

6) Oh, I'm so, so sorry! vs. You didn't win the lottery like you thought? Bwahaha!

7) Sure, I'd love to come for dinner next weekend! vs. Please, God, send me the flu on Saturday.

8) I'd love to follow you on FaceBook! vs. Dying to see goofy pictures of you so I can make fun of them on my blog.

9) Have a great weekend, y'all! vs. Have a REALLY great weekend, y'all!

Also, I'm part of Blog Hop '09. Check it out and join the party! (And, don't forget your poodle skirt and saddle shoes!)

MURDER ON TWILIGHT CIRCLE Gets a Tan! Plus, Chelsea Handler Naked?

WARNING: Pictures of sizzling hot women appear in this post. If you're the kind of (moron) who's offended by that type of thing, walk away NOW!

My book's in Acapulco, Mexico. It's true, my parents, sister and brother-in-law are sitting on a beach in Acapulco reading MURDER ON TWILIGHT CIRCLE. Mind you, they're doing this while I sit in my room on the computer 24/7 sending them final edits as fast as my small fingers and even smaller mind will allow. It's fun to think my book is traveling the globe even as I slave away like some sort of 18th century beer-swilling wench. Come to think of it, a nice, cold beer might make this whole endeavor much less stressful...

I'm excited I'll be sending off my full soon! I've kinda sorta been promising for like more than a month that I'd send it... BUT, I've been staying in communication, which is key. I've also got three partials out to uber-fantastic agents, and I've started querying others as well. I'm LOVING this book, and am hoping someone who can help make my literary dreams come true will share my gooey sentiments.

Plus, I really, really, really want to get started on MURDER ON SONGBIRD LANE. (Don't you hate it when people overuse the word really?) Like I said, I wrote the first page, but I've forced myself not to look at it again until MTC is out the door.

Speaking of looking, here's a little eye candy for you. We got tickets to see Chelsea Handler, Goddess of Comedy (and clearly the hottest comic in America!), in Atlantic City over Labor Day Weekend. As my niece, Arissa would say, how awesomely awesome is that? Sadly, for my husband and all the other men (and, probably some women) in the audience, she won't be appearing in "all her glory." We'll also be staying at the same B&B we stayed in for our anniversary. What a PERFECT end to a work-filled summer.

IN OTHER NEWS...
For those of you who love Katy Perry or want to be turned on by a drop-dead gorgeous rising pop star, check out my new article on the sizzling hot songstress.

And, I've given in to peer pressure and am now on Twitter. Follow me if you wish. I promise not to tweet about doing laundry or what I'm eating.;-)

Caution! Funny Cat Pics Ahead!

Do I like cats? Yeah, I'm kind of freakish that way. When asked how many cats I have I answer, "only six." I don't go to pet stores, because for me, there's no such thing as "window shopping." If I walk into a pet store and there's a cute kitten there, that kitten goes home with me. Therefore, I avoid pet stores at all costs.

On that note, I've been wanting to do a blog post featuring some of my favorite funny cat pics for a while. So, here goes...

The first two pictures are of my baby, Emma. She loves the shower, loves when sprinkles rain down from the heavens. Of course, she hides under the stool so she doesn't get the full brunt of the storm.

Besides Emma, here are some more I hope you'll enjoy. I've saved my favorites for the end. Of course, they pertain to writing.

Laugh! It's good for the soul.;-)

Speeding Train, Broken Promises, Near-Death Experiences & Swinging

I promised myself I'd take a one to two week break after editing MURDER ON TWILIGHT CIRCLE before starting the follow-up, MURDER ON SONGBIRD LANE. I'm close to done with my edits on MTC, within a week I believe, so that should mean I'd get next week and possibly the week after that to enjoy life outside my bedroom, right? I mean, it is summer and I do have a pool in my backyard. I've also got a stack of books on my night stand I'd love to read at some point before my 90th birthday. Let me preface this next part by saying I'm SO not a morning person...

So, what did I do this morning at 5AM? I broke my promise. Yup. I got up and started writing MURDER ON SONGBIRD LANE. Just the first page, but still... As all of you writers know, once you've got that first page down, you're screwed. You're on a speeding train, and not AMTRAK, which means it won't be crashing or slowing down anytime soon. So much for my summer...

BTW: I got another request for a partial. YIPPEE!!!!

IN OTHER NEWS...
Did I mention we've got six cats PLUS a rabbit? No? Well, we do, and our little bunny, Butterscotch, had a massive tumor on her side. I won't go into the gory details, and yes, you should thank me for that. Suffice it to say, it was gory. The good news is the tumor was benign. The bad news is she had to have surgery.

Here she is hiding under a beach towel with her Howard Hughes toenails before surgery. She doesn't look too happy, does she? POOR BABY!!!

You'll be glad to know the surgery was a success, her nails are clipped, and she's got a whole new lease on life. In fact, she just signed up for tennis lessons. She's always had a crush on Andre Agassi, well before he shaved his hair, and it's just something she's always wanted to do. But you know how it is... Before you have that near-death experience, the motivation's often not there. I'll try and post some pics of her on the court in her tennis dress and racket. Until then, happy swinging! (Feel free to interpret that any way you wish.) ;-)